When the Hammer Falls

Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Anger rose within me when my diagnosis came. You see, this was the 6th doctor I had visited. The first 4 failed me. They didn’t take action, they said it was so unlikely to be cancer - I didn’t fit the profile. Thankfully doctor number 5, now my GP,  listened, he cared and he endeavoured to support me to find out just what was going on. The 6th doctor was the specialist he referred me to.  

The symptoms would escalate, abdominal cramping, that at its worst were doubling me over. It was painful, debilitating and made everyday life so challenging. To find relief I would stop eating and go on a clear liquid diet. On a couple of occasions I would undertake this for two weeks. That’s a long time to go without food. It would settle me down, but when I resumed my normal diet the symptoms would soon surface and escalate again.

This started for me in May of 2024 and It took until February 14 of 2025 - valentines day -  to finally learn of my new reality. As unlikely as I had been told it was, I had cancer and life had taken a dramatic turn - the hammer had fallen.

Diagnosis was by way of a colonoscopy. The procedure requires an awake sedation. After which you are not able to drive for 24 hours and you should have someone with you. The doctor shared stories of people going on online shopping sprees and blowing thousands on stuff they had no need for! 

I was still under the effects of the sedation when I got the news. It was such a surreal moment - for me it felt like an out of body experience. I could understand what was being said to me but I was struggling to come to grips with what it meant and what the road in front of me was likely to be. Thankfully Emma was with me. She was able to ask what needed to be asked and get a grounded perspective on what was being shared.

I was just stunned, I could feel my heart thumping in my chest, I was angry because I’d been seeking help for so long, but mostly I was frightened. In an instant my life had changed, just like losing Nayan, a blink of an eye was all it took to shift my life dramatically.

Over the first few days the fear grew in me, I had very little information on how bad this was and what my future might look like. I had only just turned 51 and I was terrified that I might not see 52. I was being forced to reevaluate everything. Perspective changes rapidly when fate chooses to intervene.

Having gone through severe adversity previously I was  lucky in the sense that I had a set of tools and trusted relationships to draw on. The profound nature of that previous experience had already shifted priorities in me. So in coming to terms with my new reality I was at least not burdened ,this time, with regrets for not prioritising what was most important. What it did surface was fear. A fear of losing time with the people in my life I most cherish.

The fear was overwhelming and I was so scared that I might die soon. I had great people around me, caring for me, but that fear was so intense that I felt alone. That loneliness stole hope and without hope that familiar darkness once again began to descend. 

Resilience does not mean that things are easy. In fact we only know our reserves when adversity finds us. It either sends us plummeting or we find the strength to RISE. I felt myself start to fall again, but this time I was able to draw from the past and catch myself. I knew I needed to talk and I knew I needed to lean into those around me and trust them with my vulnerability. 

It wasn’t easy, I was now facing a major operation and a journey into the unknown. The exact extent of my cancer was not something that could be determined until after surgery, where they would learn how significant it had become. I was nervous in the lead up to it that my bowel would block as the tumour grew. I was scared for the surgery itself, I was frightened of the pain it would bring and I was terrified that I would find out that my remaining time would be limited.

To wake from surgery and hear that there had been spread, that the tumour had attached to my bladder was overwhelming. It seemed at every turn the news was getting worse and I found it really hard not to fixate on the worst case scenario.

What really helped me was that while experiencing all of this I was able to draw from that well of resilience and sit somewhat objectively.  Although this was not what I wanted I knew that I was still in control of my behaviours and responses to this new reality. So I put my heart and soul into recovering from that surgery. It was hard but I forced myself to be active each and  every day. When those negative voices would start to dominate my headspace I would choose to confront them, to RISE and put them back where they belonged.

The huge turning point for me was when the histology returned clear margins and no lymph node activation. That news shifted my mindset. I was no longer having to force positivity. I now had a belief that, while there was still a mountain to climb, there was hope and my chance of beating this was good.

I’m now working my way through a 6 month chemotherapy regime. I’m halfway through and I’m finding it tough going but with each dose I give a little fist pump. It’s my little cue and a reward to myself for hanging in and fighting the good fight. 

When adversity strikes it can be isolating, frightening and it tests you in ways you can’t imagine. It’s okay to experience this. It's a challenging time and we’d not be human if these feelings did not surface. 

The old me, the one who fell so far would have been the architect of my own demise. I would have tried to ignore and I would have berated myself for being “SO WEAK”. When the truth is that it’s okay to feel this way. It is okay to be vulnerable. It is okay to lean into those who love you and draw from their strength. And most importantly it’s not weakness to ask for help, it is in fact the epitome of strength and it is the very thing that helps us RISE.

To learn more about my journey, you can purchase the first two chapters of my memoir at the link below.