CANCER AND ME
" Having a support network in your life and being a part of other people’s support networks, means you can add their energy and their mental, emotional and physical resources to your measure of resiliency. "
- Teal Swan
I’m writing this as I near the end of Chemo cycle 6 of 8. It’s getting pretty tough now and I’m struggling to hang in and see it through. Everyday is now long and each cycle seems an eternity to work through. About midway through this current cycle I voiced “it’s breaking me”.
As I think back, this has now been a long battle against deteriorating and poor health. I first became symptomatic in May of 2024, but in hindsight I’d been battling for much longer. My energy levels, mood, physical capabilities and weight regulation had all been suffering. I just put it down to getting older and needing to make some lifestyle adjustments.
The truth was a tumour was growing in me, demanding resources from my body and in the process weighing me down. In the brief period I had when I’d made good surgical recovery and had not yet started chemo (about 2 - 3 weeks) I felt the best I had for years. I was running faster than I had pre-surgery, my weight was much easier to regulate and my overall energy levels were much better.
Chemotherapy quickly dealt with that! My first 2 cycles were not too bad, but in cycle 3 the side effects grew stronger and the grind really set in. I’ve been experiencing pretty bad nausea, I’m highly sensitive to smell, my taste has been effected such that all food tastes terrible (making it hard to keep eating), I’m battling pretty severe fatigue, I’ve lost my finger prints, my hair is thinning and my feet can get very painful, sometimes blistering and making walking difficult.
I’m very weak. I can walk to the local shops, which are only minutes a way but I’m not strong enough to carry even a small load of groceries home. I have to hand the bag to Emma. It’s embarrassing to have to ask for that help and it’s incredibly humbling.
So all up It’s been 17 months of being really unwell, with maybe 2 years before that of slow decline. I still have 6 weeks of chemo to go and then I’m going to need months to recover. And at the end of it all I have no way of knowing how effective treatment has been. It becomes a waiting game to see if the cancer returns or not.
The fear of recurrence is quite overwhelming. To go through the surgery and the chemo and have it come back and know that if it does that it’s not curable is hard to deal with. While I’m looking forward to chemo being completed, the fact that I’ve done all I can and my future is in the hands of fate is hard to comprehend.
Cancer steals so much control away. It’s affected my work, my ability to socialise and absolutely dominates my lived reality. I feel quite lonely, even though I have great support around me. It’s hard to explain to others who haven’t experienced this what it’s like to go through. I’m being forced into deep reflection about what’s important in life and that of course surfaces regrets and mistakes. Tied to that is fear of a future being stolen away. While I’m afraid that this will take my life over the next few years I’m more afraid of what I’ll miss out on. If it recurs I wont get to have a retirement, my grandchildren will only know my name they won’t get to know me and I won't get to know them, my marriage will end and the adventures Emma and I have planned I wont get to experience with her.
So it’s tough at the moment and I’d be lying if I said I was doing okay, because I’m not. However, I haven’t fallen like I did when adversity previously found me. While it’s not easy, I haven’t been consumed in darkness. In fact I can see light and love everywhere. I’ve made the choice to lean in to those who care for me, to be honest about how I feel and trust them to care for me and help me through. It’s hard because I feel like I’m a burden, particularly for Emma. There’s so little that I can contribute at the moment and she is having to work so hard and do so much to keep us going. I’m amazed at how strong she is.
This is a journey that I wish I wasn’t on but by not falling I’m able to see it as an opportunity to grow. I’ll definitely be different from having this experience. Already I’ve become aware of how limited time is and that if I want to do something then thinking about it but not taking action is pointless. It’s already motivated me to launch We Rise Together, to write my memoir and develop new ideas to help others. I don’t know how much time I have left but I’m more determined than ever to leave behind something positive in the world.
I’ve become very grateful for all the positive things that life can bring. I appreciate those who are close to me more and cherish the time I have with them. Companionship, sharing moments with others, doing things that make you feel proud and holding on to hope are powerful mechanisms for riding through tough times. It doesn’t mean they’re not tough and that there are not times, like earlier this week, when it gets a bit much. But they’re anchors in your corner that don't sink you but rather hold you in place, keeping you grounded and preventing the darkness from becoming all consuming. At the heart of course are the people, I’ve learned now that I can't do it alone, that it’s okay to lean in and ask for help. We fall alone but we rise together.
To learn more about my journey, you can purchase the first two chapters of my memoir at the link below.